I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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