The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize