So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
