Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
