Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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