yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
