i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
