Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
