walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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