The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
