The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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