Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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