Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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