billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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