I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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