listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
