Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
