I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
