i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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