everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
