my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm at about main and main street
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
