he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He did a backflip because drugs
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
