the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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