my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
