Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
