hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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