Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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