the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
