I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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