Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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