It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
