The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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