dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
