I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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