Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
