I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
