She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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