help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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