Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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