My cat gives me a boner
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
