seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
