I didn't shave. On purpose
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You dont lie about slip and slides
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
