I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
