so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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