just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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