just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
