I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
