I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize