my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He kissed a someone with a penis
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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