hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
