I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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