Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just high enough for therapy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
