I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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