He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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