From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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