Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Two words: nipple clamps
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