I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm too high and old for this...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
