im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How does it feel to date your dad?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize